December 20, 2007
		The burdizzo is a "less than perfect" method of castration. It seems to fail as often as it succeeds. I often call my first castration a failure, but that isn't really true. While it didn't totally kill my testicles, they were substancially damaged. While my sex drive didn't die, it was easily controlled. I also became much calmer. For a while I had major issues dealing with what seemed to be new emotions, but I did get them under control and then maintained a good emotional balance. In short, the first castration gave me all the best parts of my goals, but left me producing enough testosterone to maintain my health, leaving me enough testicle to appear normal, and it taught me some very valuable lessons about myself and my personality, things that made me a better person overall. In short, the first castration gave me the perfect combination of everything I wanted.I had the best of both worlds, and it probably would have been logical to have stopped there. That's why it took me so long to try the second time. In the end, I couldn't escape the fact that I love the look of an empty scrotum, and I want mine to look that way. That was really the big reason behind my second attempt.
	After my second castration, what few remaining remnants of mascuilinity I had disappeared and they still have not come back. My testicles have shrunk considerably, but not entirely. They are mostly numb and somewhat cool (not cold) and mostly soft & squishy, partially empty. Truth is, I have no doubt they are now quite dead. They are loosing what mass they have left, but very slowly, so slowly that it's hard really tell. Fact is, I don't have enough sex drive left to really care if my scrotum is empty or not - sure, it would be nice. But it would be nice to win the lottery, too. It just doesn't matter to me anymore. Then the practical side of me wonders if having "trash" like that left inside my scrotum could increase any future cancer risks? Common sense tells me that if they are dead I should have them removed, if necessary. So I probably will at some time in the future. Like I said, right now, I don't really care.
	Now that I got all the background that I probably said somewhere else out of the way, here comes the bottom line of what's happened to me. First, and most importantly, I no longer have a physical need for sex. I just don't care. It would not offend me if it happened but it's very likely my body would fail to respond. Erections? They are possible but very difficult to achieve and almost impossible to maintain. The problem isn't that my body can't function, the problem is that my mind simply doesn't care if I get an erection or not. Orgasms are even more difficult, and not very rewarding. There is simply no desire to preform and therefore limited ability. Even better is the fact that I am much calmer. It's almost impossible to make me loose my temper - and while I do still get angry, that anger is usually very rational and easily controlled. I feel more relaxed and more comfortable with myself than I ever did pre-castration. I do experience emotions in a way I never before believed possible. It took me quite a while to figure out how to deal with these emotions, and it was challenging. But I have achieved some kind of balance where I allow these emotions to give me advise without allowing them to control me. It's not perfect but it works for me. Low testosterone can cause a certain loss of self image, or pride. It certainly did in my case. I used to be rather vain, and now it just doesn't matter to me how I look or how I dress. I couldn't care less, I have no motivation beyond what's easy or practical. I don't want to attract anyone, so why do I need to look good? My mind can take this too far if I don't watch it, so I have to really force myself to try to look good. Fortunately we have a very strict dress code where I work so I have extra motivation (at least 5 days a week). Motivation has become a big problem for me. I used to be driven, but not motivated. The bottom line is that I felt the need to be better than everyone else but do not feel the motivation to make enough money to feed the wife and kids. I used to have a long list of things I wanted but needed money to have - and so I was driven to do what I needed to do to get those things. But that's all. After castration, probably due at least in part to the self-image thing, I have had and still sometime have, big problems with my drive and motivation. There are so many things that no longer matter to me - things that created the "appearance" of who I was - nice clothes, new car, you know, all the toys. Today I don't feel the need for these things, because I simply don't care what anyone else thinks when they see me. So why waste the effort and money to "show off" ??? And if you don't need the extra money, then you don't need to make as much money, which of course takes less effort. The problem was that I just could not find a REASON to have a drive. What was I working for? It took years for me to establish a new "life plan" ... something to "chase". And even now that I have one, I have to really fight with myself, to force myself to do what I need to do.
	Physcially, that's a different story. I used to be very lean, mostly muscle and while there wasn't a lot of me, what there was, was solid. Not anymore. The first castration changed this just a little; but the second castration finished the job. I had always weighed 145 or so, and today I am 160-165. I have lost most all the surface muscle in my thighs, butt, stomach, chest and upper arms. (click here to see) and if you look at that pic closely you can see that my body has created a foundation where it can store a lot more fat. The loss of muscle in my tummy has allowed me to have a very nice little pot gut, (click here to see) and when the muscle in my chest became fat it sank down to make what could be a tit.I now have to move my tummy or bend over to see my dick. I have little doubt that if I continue to eat I will continue to gain weight. One of the biggest differences in me now, is that pre-castration, I would have been horrified to even THINK I COULD be fat. Today I really couldn't care less beyond the health implications. I am who I am and how I look is not a major concern, anymore. I guess we're back to the self image thing here again. Anyway my dick used to be full, even totally soft it was big enough that there was no loose skin down there. Today is different - the skin that's there, is at least 50% empty. The difference is that my penis retains less blood - making it look much smaller. As I have said it really takes a lot of thought and work to get an erection, and the difficult, but possible orgasms just aren't rewarding enough to justify the effort of getting there. I can't remember the last time I came or even cared if I came. My need for sleep increased a lot. I used to go just fine on a couple hours of sleep at night, maybe 3-5 hours. And I could easily do without that occaisionally. After castration that changed, and I got to where I needed a good 8 hours every night, and often needed a nap in the late afternoon, too. I'd always considered sleep to be a waste of my time alive; now it had become a critical NEED. My skin got dry. It felt like a piece of leather after you left it in the sun a few days. I could see where wrinkles would form if I left this alone. My eyes are quite a bit dryer - to the point of discomfort. They simply do not produce fluid as quickly or as freely as they did a few years ago. My sinuses used to be perfect - never a problem. For the last five years or so they've been very sensitive to smells, and often irritated. Pollen never bothered me before; now it does. My body hair has lost a lot of stiffness. It grows very slowly and much less thickly than ever before. It's soft now, even when it's a whisker. Even the hair on my face grows more slowly and is much more softly. I used to be partially bald. I still am. But I don't think I've lost any more hair. I never used to care; I still don't. I get tired more easily, and it takes a lot more effort to do anything physical. I also get cold much more easily. I don't sweat anywhere near as much, but I do still sweat some. Good posture used to be instinctive to me, and it no longer is. This was probably a pride issue. Anyway I now tend to slouch more than ever before. This will cause me to have discomfort in my shoulders. I have to force myself to practice good posture more than I ever did before. I used to be very energetic, always on the go. People who knew me always considered me hyper. It was very hard for me to sit still without doing something. Now it's different - I'm almost lazy. I'd rather sit around and read or watch tv or something, than go expend any effort doing something. I am developing a real good couch potato kind of attitude.
	I used to be fiercely masculine - and the first castration lessened that without eliminating it. The second castration eliminated it. Today I seldom consider masculinity as a factor in my behavior, or in my life. I still tend to label myself "gay" but that's only because it's a less distasteful label than "straight" ... truth is, if I was going to become sexually involved with someone, it wouldn't make the first difference to me if they were male or female. I don't really feel very male anymore. I also do not feel female. I do not know what I am, I just know it's not male or female. It's some kind of combination of the two - I like to think that I have the best parts of both genders without the worst parts of each. I often feel moved to tears over movies now. While I do manage not to actually cry, I know that my self WANTS to cry and my body TRIES to cry. It's nice to feel moved in that way ... to FEEL someone elses happiness or pain. I used to feel that as a MAN I had to follow this stupid little code, called masculinity. (and yes, today I consider it a STUPID little code) anyway, now, I just feel this need to be the PERSON I want to be, which allows me to relax and be who I feel like being without trying to adhere to any stereotype. It's a very good, pleasant feeling, and it's part of the source of my new calmness.
	About six months ago I started taking hormones. I now take a very small dose of bio-identical testosterone. It's not enough I really notice, but it seems to be good for my body. The first thing I noticed is that my skin became softer and less dryer, and it doesn't seem to have quite the same wrinkled appearance. I don't need as much sleep, either, now I do just fine of 5-6 hours per night, and while naps are cool it's no longer such an issue. Most importantly, taking hormones has helped to restore some of my self-pride and motivation. In the past six months I've accomplished quite a number of important things I needed to do, things that I'd been putting off for years due to lack of pride & motivation. I no longer feel that I have to fight myself so much, to force myself to do the things that are just part of normal life, like go to the grocery store or get a haircut. Anyway, the bottom line is that I am happier, calmer, more relaxed with myself, and overall a better person today, than I was before my castration. It just took a lot of time, and a little bit of testosterone, to accomplish it.
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